I want to be a good person - a great person. I don't want to fail. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to rid myself of distractions. Much of the time, however, I feel like I'm running away from Jesus into the arms of my own personal clutteredness.
I desperately want to be consistent. When I was younger, I thought my inconsistency was due to my youth. I believed I would eventually reach the age where the secrets of life would automatically unfold like flowers and bring true spirituality and maturity to my walk.
I AM older now - considerably so - and the secrets are still secrets to me.
I sometimes dream that I'm tagging along behind Jesus, longing for Him to choose me as one of His disciples. Without warning, He turns around, looks straight into my eyes, and says, "Follow Me!" With a heart that skips several beats, thinking that my long-hoped-for spirituality is about to come true, I begin to run toward Him when He suddenly interrupts with, "Oh, not you; the guy behind you."
'Spiritual' has become a term reserved for people who pray all day long, read their Bibles constantly, never get angry, possess some hidden special powers, and have an inside track to God. It calls to mind eccentric 'saints' who have taken vows of poverty and isolated themselves in cloisters.
Not so. Spirituality is not a formula; it is not a test to pass. It is relationship. It's not about competency; it's about connectedness. It's not about perfection; it's about intimacy. It begins right where you are, accepting the reality of your brokenness - your flawed-ness - not because spirituality will remove our flaws, but because we end up letting go of seeking perfection and instead, seek God, the One who is present 'in the mess.'
Yes. I'm a mess. And I'm loving it.
And be blessed.
15 comments:
God is a God of the now and future. If I judged my spirital condition by my past, I would not get out of bed. Being spirital is seeking what God wants from me now.Being spirital is the journey, not the end result.
Whoah! Well said, and I am a mess and I now love it! Amen!
Whoah! That was perfect! Yes, I am a mess and I now love it! Praise Him!
I love your candor, P Kevin. Thank you.
PK, I wanted to reply to this earlier, but I needed to think about how to word it. Unusual for me...lol...but necessary.
My life is not as cluttered as yours. I have plenty enough time to take for Jesus...I DO. I am just too centered on my own desires and bad habits. You know me as well as anyone, and you know exactly what those faults are.
The thing is, I take full responsibility for my very own choices. It's not bad luck, it's not my upbringing...it is me as an autonomous adult making the wrong choice. My own self-centeredness and weak-willed desires lead me to be less than God plans for me.
I truly do want to be a good person...and from the world's standards, I guess I am. I am just not worthy to be a disciple of Jesus, though. I am too entrenched in the faults I have to be.
Jesus feels far away, but, I guarantee, it is me who is drifting away. He is there...and, truthfully, I take Him for granted. I know He will be there, when I get my act together. Hopefully, I won't die or the Rapture comes before that. I believe, but I don't believe I have enough fear of the Lord to change my ways. I keep telling myself He loves me. The true question is Do I love Him enough to say Yes to His plans for me? Am I ever going to be strong enough to go for it?
Thank you for sharing this blog post. I know you know who this is...I have my own way of expressing myself. I remember my "first love" with Jesus. I asked lots of questions and I guess I wish you had not challenged me quite as much and instead, encouraged my relationship with Jesus. So many times, I felt as if I was never going to be good enough.
Where I am today is definitely not your problem...it is all mine. Just food for thought in the future. When all is said and done, you are the very best pastor I know and I love you for that.
ANON:
There have been many days I encouraged rather than challenged, but you are right to say the decisions and responsibilities are yours. That's a great step toward getting there though.
Having said that, I'm no more worthy of being Jesus' disciple than you are. You're on the road; that counts. Some days it's one step forward, to steps back - or it feels that way.
Don't give up. Keep the faith steadfast.
ANON:
There have been many days I encouraged rather than challenged, but you are right to say the decisions and responsibilities are yours. That's a great step toward getting there though.
Having said that, I'm no more worthy of being Jesus' disciple than you are. You're on the road; that counts. Some days it's one step forward, to steps back - or it feels that way.
Don't give up. Keep the faith steadfast.
I love you, PK....you have been a light in my life, as a Christian. Yes, it is my own decision to do the things I do. I take 100% responsibility for that.
I differ in the fact that you are more ready. I believe with all my heart that when you come before Jesus...He will, indeed say "Well done my good and faithful servant." You are amazing with your work towards furthering the Kingdom of God. That is not to say you have your down days, but I love the pastor that you are.
thanks for your kind words but I was referring to the fact that I am no more worthy to be a disciple than you. We are both sinners redeemed by Christ. The ground is level at the foot of the cross.
So, do you continue making the same repeated mistakes? And, justify the means? I keep re-reading and hear justifications to the imperfections. Instead of realizing the change is needed in order to get that much closer to the Lord? Are we feeding our flesh or him? We know we are not perfect but we also know he knows you keep making the same wrong choice and by that awareness, aren't you feeling the need to change or don't (one) see it yet?
ANON:
I don't know. DO you keep repeating the same mistakes? Sometimes yes -- with God's grace and being more into what HE is into, hopefully not.
This is what 'taking up a cross DAILY' is all about -- and it isn't even the taking up the cross part that is difficult so much as the DAILY part that is difficult.
This is not a license to continue sinning. But it has been a blog about the messiness. Sometimes we preach about God's grace and people wonder 'where's the judgment?' At other times we preach about judgment and people wonder 'where's the grace?'
These two particular blogs have been about the inherent messiness of the Christian life -- and our ignorance not to admit it.
I don't believe or see it a problem for people to admit, I see its a problem that people don't really want to place him first and see what it brings. It appears to me that worldly goods appear more secure yet they are still in denial that it keeps failing them and the truth is never seen by one.
Hmmm. What makes you think people don't want to give God their failures or put God first? Have you always, in every situation in your life, done that? Or have you 'tried' and sometimes failed at that?
I am so sorry I didn't see this earlier...I just thought the thread had dried up.
ANON: I am assuming I am the one you are directing your remarks to. Not sure that you will ever go back to this thread, but, just in case... I have no defense. The only thing I can say is that my problem is drinking. I hate to admit that on here, but whatever...I will just deal with it. I had my first drink at 15 and I am now 49. It wasn't a very big issue, until I found myself on my own. Since that time, I have depended on that sensation more and more. I have found I can quit for as long as 6 months, longest, at a time, but I can't seem to fathom that I can quit for the rest of my life. Forever. When I look at it like that, I just throw in the towel.
It seems you are a much stronger person than I am. I wish I were more like you. I've only been "saved", if I still am, for 3 years. I just haven't figured out how to do forever.
I sincerely don't mind you challenging me. I don't blame you. Most of the time, I hope that God loves me anyway. Maybe someday, He will deliver me. I just don't know right now. Just know that I completely understand your response.
PK knows a lot about me. I trust him completely, but he has challenged me in many areas, including this. He hasn't turned his back on me, though. I know I am anonymous, but, not completely.
At any rate...thank you for the response. I'm still here...online...I haven't given up....but I have a ways to go. I don't mean this to sound prideful, but I know in my heart that I have a lot of potential for the Kingdom. Just need to find my niche, then I will be so busy with God's work that everything else will take a backseat.
Thank you PK for another great blog. I sometimes wish I had a little book that I could carry my favorite PK blogs in. Whenever I needed a dose of truism throughout the day, I could pull out the book and be reminded.
I don't feel God wants a bunch of lemmings following Him over a cliff, nor does He want perfect 10's. He just wants ready hearts in communion with His.
Love to you. Thank you for your service!
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