UNCENSORED 3

In our recent four-week "UNCENSORED" series at Journey Church, we invited folks to submit questions on marriage, sex, purity and relationships.  

Below is one of those questions ... 

Q:  I feel like a sex object to my husband.  He wants sex with me as a way to relieve stress or to calm down when he’s angry or to feel better when he’s sick.  He tells me I have to enjoy watching him self-gratify because I’m his wife and should enjoy him.

A:  First, you as a wife are not sinning by doing this for him.  Having said that, we aren’t objects or animals.  We aren’t just bodies having sex.  We are souls bonding together in the act.  We’re loving people in covenant relationship with God and with each other.  Marriage is about servanthood, not about getting your personal needs met.

At the core of this issue is Philippians chapter 2 where we’re told to ‘prefer the other person over ourselves.’  

There are certainly times and moments when we selflessly do things for our partners sexually and other ways because it’s what they need at the moment, but a pattern of selfishness isn’t God’s way.

However, a husband who tells his wife she is compelled to watch him self-gratify because ‘she’s his wife and should enjoy him’ is a husband who has his roots deep in the mire of self.  

As strong an issue might be that in order to fulfill and complete the self-gratification, the husband is very likely thinking and concentrating and lusting about people other than his wife during the process.

Sex is created to be mutual.  Our need is for intimacy.  Sex that is purely physical is shallow.  Done right, it encompasses the emotional and the spiritual.  

Men make love to feel loved;  women need to feel love in order to make love.  When sex and intimacy work like they're supposed to, both partners start to look more and more like Christ.

But as a person focuses more and more on his/her own needs instead of on their partner’s needs, the partner begins to become incidental.  Ultimately the urge for sexual release is taken care of, which means he/she no longer has a need to reach out any longer and meet the other one’s needs.  The motivation to be other-focused is gone.

It’s a dangerous road to go down because when we self-gratify in marriage, we short circuit the process God put in place for us to move toward closeness and knowing.  The more one self-gratifies, the more they drift from their partner.  Self-gratification within marriage will always weaken it; not build it.

So sit down and talk to your husband about this.  You may need to speak with a counselor, pastor, third party or mentor couple.  I suggest Marriage Mentors at http://jrnychurch.com/marriage/. 

I’m praying for you.

And be blessed.