A divorced person sitting in our church should never get the feeling that they're damaged goods. Do I agree with divorce? No. In fact, if you come into my office telling me you're the one legitimate exception on the planet of someone who has Biblical grounds for divorce (along with the other eight who beat you to it that week), I'm probably going to tell you you're not the exception. Ninety-five percent of the time I'm going to lovingly look you in the eye and tell you that. God wants you staying in your marriage. I know it's painful - I know it's difficult - I know it's unhappy - God wants you there and He wants to heal it.
There's a narrative in the New Testament book of Mark where Jesus heals a man with a withered hand. Instead of a standing ovation from the crowd, the religious leaders went out and began to plot how they might kill Jesus.
Doesn't that make great sense? 'Hey, Jesus just healed some guy's hand on the Sabbath and now it's like brand new … it's a total miracle … let's kill Him.'
But that's what religion does. It places obeying rules ahead of loving people.
'Jesus called people to the front that religion pushed to the back.'
God said He hated divorce. But he doesn't hate divorcees. The reason He hates divorce is because He loves people.
But this post isn't really about divorce, believe it or not. It's about loving people the way Jesus loved them.
And what's your job, mature believer in Christ? If you're wondering what place you have in the church when it seems to be about people who need to find Jesus, well, you get to be the one standing there with your arms wide open, welcoming the hurting in. You get to be the one who stands up front and says:
"Hey you, with the shriveled hand … come here."
"You - with the prison sentence … come here."
"You - struggling in your marriage … come here."
"You - confused and hurting about your sexual identity … over here."
Jesus called people to the front that religion pushed to the back.
That should be us -- every day.
And be blessed.
7 comments:
Some of us are divorced against our will because the law says that can be done to you. It would be nice if some of the sanctimonious finger pointers could understand that some of us did everything we know to do and it still happened to us. And that it didn't happen to you does not mean that you are spiritually superior.
I'm glad you aren't bitter.
I know your post isn't just about divorce...and I think I tend to be a loving person.
I just know about how it feels to go thru a divorce. I was married to my HS sweetheart for 20 years. Over the years, we often took each other for granted. He threw himself into his career and was quite successful. I felt neglected and was open to the attention of co-workers...no, I didn't have a affair. Emotional affair, though.
The thing I understood more later, was that he was providing well for his family. He showed his love by being committed to taking care of our needs.
I wanted his attention, so I would be angry and I tried everything to get him to 'be there.' It just made him less likely to come home from work on time. Being at work made him feel like a success. Being at home just reminded him that he was failing on the homefront.
I learned so many things about relationships after we divorced. Too late. Going thru a divorce was one of the worst things in my life. I have many regrets. As I am sure he does, as well.
The thing I would tell someone that is thinking about it, is all couples have those times when they may not feel 'in love'. It just takes a little work and those special feelings can come back. Neither one of us were bad people. It was just a stupid decision. We could have easily gone to counseling and made it all work just fine.
Just don't give up. It's not worth it. I am happily single now, but I learned from experience that he was the best man for me. I haven't met anyone who is as good of a man as he is.
God doesn't want you to divorce and odds are, you won't want to be when it is finalized, either. Don't do that to yourselves. I wish we had honored our commitment before God at the church. I hope you do, too.
I'm the first anonymous, not the second one posting here. My point is that a pastor "lovingly" telling me I should have stayed in my marriage is really one of the meanest things anybody could ever do! I had no say. My spouse had an affair and I stayed. My spouse beat on me and I stayed. And prayed. And did everything I could do. In the end he filed a divorce and what I wanted meant nothing as the law says they get a divorce. To sit in judgment on people like me is ridiculous. The church beats on its own wounded and sometimes ministers come across very arrogant. I'm sure you don't mean to so stop and think about what I'm saying before you get defensive. I maaried a Christian who later turned his back on God. His sin is not mine and I won't carry it or be subjected to helpful" teaching like you just posted here.
PK, I get different articles each day on my FB page. This happened to be one. Good advice.
Written by Sasha Brown
Marriage is not easy. When you've seen people who make it 10, 15, and 30 years together, you know you are looking at two people who have fought, compromised, and stayed committed to one another through a lot. There's a lot to be learned from these people.
But marriages don't fail from big problems, at least not all the time. Very often, people end up splitting over the small things, especially once the small things add up.
With this in mind, I asked around for advice, small ways that people can improve their love and their marriage today. This doesn't include therapy or major sucking up or any major effort on the part of anyone. These are small things that can make a big difference. So here are 10 important ways you can improve your marriage right now.
Apologize when you are wrong: Forget pride. If you realize you are wrong in a fight, admit it and say you are sorry. It will make a world of difference in terms of staying close.
Imagine the other person gone during a fight: There is no better way to stop a fight than to imagine losing or missing the other person. That sadness? That tightness in your chest? That's the love you feel for them.
Laugh more: For me, this is the biggest secret to 10 years of marriage. My husband and I crack each other up. We roll on the floor laughing and genuinely enjoy each other's company. This is what keeps us strong.
Arrange weekly meetings: If you have young kids and two careers, there is nothing more important than having weekly "meetings." It may not be romantic, but neither is nagging, and this curbs that a lot. From a friend who has started them: "It has been very helpful from a practical side of just getting through everyday life as a team." Amen.
Schedule sex: It's not romantic, but in our busy lives, it's necessary. Pencil that shite in, because you know what's less romantic? A sexless marriage.
Talk about the little things: Talk about the big things, but also discuss the little things. Talk and then talk some more. The more you talk, the more you learn.
Have your own life: No one likes someone with no friends. So get hobbies. Get friends. Get a life! Now! It will make your spouse appreciate you more.
Remember to thank the other person: It's true. However small it seems, remember to say thanks for small things, even if they are expected. "Hey, thanks for making dinner tonight." It creates a lot of goodwill and helps each person feel appreciated.
Stop yelling: No one is suggesting you stop fighting. Some fights are needed. But stop yelling. And name calling. And fighting dirty. Trust me.
Hold hands: Even when you are mad at each other, just touch. Whether it's in bed or out of bed. Sometimes the simple act of touching one another can help curb angry feelings.
I'm the first anonymous that posted here, the second is somebody else. My point is that on the one hand you say divorced people shouldn't be made to feel like damaged goods, yet you follow that up with some pretty harsh judgment "you should have stated". This flies in the face of the reality that when somebody decides to divorce you, divorced you are, like it or not, your choice or not. In my case I married a Christian who then turned his back on God. His sin is not my sin and I won't carry it. There are plenty of innocent victims of divorce, kids , other family members, and yes, spouses who did not choose it or want it or do anything at all to bring it about. The truth is that your wife could choose tomorrow to divorce you and it would happen. The courts will not stop it, they will grant it. The church needs to be a little more discerning if just exactly who they are sitting in judgment on. You can "lovingly" tell me I should have stayed in my marriage but I was not given that choice! So it is not a loving remark. Nice that you added the additional judgment that I'm bitter too! Wow, its a wonder people like me don't give up on God considering the way "God's people" treat us! But I won't. I will just hang with the other imperfect people like me who love me back regardless of what my husband did to me!
To the FIRST ANONYMOUS RESPONDENT:
I understand your response and reaction to the best of my ability. You have been thru something difficult, hurtful and damaging. It has stayed with you in some measure as I imagine it always will. I am a product of divorce and so my feelings are as strong as yours, only from another angle.
My initial response was sincere. You didn't take it that way i understand. I was trying to say: I am glad you have been able to go thru what you've gone thru and come out of it without bitterness.
I say this with all humility and grace - it seems if any one was being judgmental, it appears that you were, not me.
After your third comment (the second of which i chose not to publish here because of its mean-spiritedness), i realized you still carry some hurt and because of that, you interpreted my first response as sarcastic. Because of that I see now why and how you thought my 10:09 pm response was hateful.
I know there are situations where divorce is unpreventable - even welcomed - and Scripture tells us there are allowable reasons. I sit in a chair you do not sit in (and vice versa) -- and I stand by my comments here - and yet not without mercy. 95% of the people who sit in my office claiming divorce is for them are not following God's plan, even tho they insist they are. That would not be an 'off' or a 'high' percentage I quoted.
This is the last great struggle of the church, that we must stay true to Scripture on, and yet have compassion for folks in terrible marital situations. It still does not mean they should divorce. Again, there are exceptions. Perhaps yours was one.
We commit to helping folks thru messy and imperfect marriage relationships, while staying true to God's holy Word -- and seeing thru prayer and counsel what grand miracles God can do. We've truly seen many marriages that looked irredeemable come back together.
Blessings on you and your healing from your situation and prayers that you don't give up on God.
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