DIALOGUE

I read something recently about a corporate consultant who was doing a presentation on the importance of dialogue. He shared that 20,000 years ago (he is a supporter of evolution) people believed in and practiced animism universally -- often conversing with rocks and trees. That’s a whole different conversation than say, with my wife - except from her perspective some days.

He mentioned that as civilization moved from hunter-gatherer societies (‘What did that stone say?’) into agrarian ones, it became more important to talk to one another (‘Can you move that stone out of my plow’s way?’). Farms and fields needed to be protected and at some point dialogue went from civilized to coercive (‘Move that stone or I’ll knock your block off’). Supposedly, in 2010, we have moved from civilized to coercive to reflective (‘Where shall we put this stone together?’).

Right.

He made the point that certain individuals help define us by the dialogue we have with them. Spouses. Parents. Bosses. They convey how they see us by the way they speak to us. Perhaps this is why adult children find it difficult to communicate with their parents in new ways - or why adversarial couples can’t find fresh ways to relate peacefully -- because they are frozen in old, low-level, warring dialogue patterns.

We’re probably all familiar with rapidly descending forms of dialogue, such as:

‘Hi, hon, I’m home!’

‘Where were you?’

‘I told you I’d be late.’

‘You’re always late these days. Is something going on I should know about?’

Guess where that dialogue is going real fast? Down.

I can’t tell you how many couples I have sat with over the years where the wife is discouraged because her husband won’t take the lead in the relationship spiritually. After an hour of encouragement and challenge, I convince him to lead the three of us in prayer - more specifically, pray for his wife - something he hasn't done in perhaps years. He doesn’t think he can do it, but most often, if not reluctantly, he agrees.

‘Dear God ... um ... thank you for my family ... uh ... help our home and ... help us ... er ... um ... be with [wife's name] ... help me be a better husband ... and ... bless us, Jesus. Amen.’

‘Pffft! You call that a prayer? See what I mean, pastor?’

(Yeah, I see what you mean. 'How’d you like to taste my knuckles about now?' I don’t actually say that.)

What are the chances that man is going to go out on a ledge to pray with his wife again? It would be safer to bet your life savings that Bill O’Reilly will be the next U.S. President.

Here’s a parent-child exchange. Consider the kind of relationship track being formed here:

‘I thought I told you to clean up your room.’

‘I did.’

‘You call that clean? This place looks like a pig sty.’

‘It does not!’

Here, the mom (I’m just assuming it’s a mom - sorry. Dad's don't care if rooms are clean) is using accusatory dialogue that puts her child in a role of the ‘less-than defender’ - dialogue which can freeze the child in time for decades to come.

Boss-worker dialogue:

‘Did you write that report I asked for yet?’

‘No sir, I’m still working on it.’

‘Your job is not necessarily secure here - you might think it is - but when I tell you to do something, I want it done now, not later. Have the report on my desk by the morning.’

(Submit your own response here.)

Dialogue is powerful. It has the capacity to lift up, depress, engage, shut down, liberate, imprison, enamor, alienate ...

Jesus elevated the dialogue: “Let your speech be at all times gracious ... so you may never be at a loss to know how you ought to answer anyone who puts a question to you” (Colossians 4:6). So can we.

And be blessed.