There was so much interesting e-mail, Facebook, and in person feedback on the last blog that I thought I'd capitalize on that today.
America is well known for - in fact, its very existence and formation dependent on - the original rugged individualism that set it apart from every other nation on the planet. The downside is that very same individualism is in large part responsible for the high failure rate of relationships today, including marriages. It's about what I want - what I feel - what I need - me, me, me, me, me.
A person so thoroughly shaped by individualism is simply not prepared to meet the challenges of the emotionally invasive experience of what we might call tribal living which includes but is not limited to marriage, friendships, job relationships and small group community.
In a purely tribal culture, identity is derived almost entirely from the complex interplay of relationships that make up the tribe. The question of: "Who am I apart from the community?" is almost never asked. In an individualistic culture like ours, identity is determined primarily by discovering the ways we are unique. We learn early on to develop boundaries that mark the place where others begin and we end -- or where others end and we begin. We seek to protect our personal spaces.
This creates some difficulty for potential community and small group life in our culture. While the thought of community is appealing, it can at the very same time feel constricting and invasive. We need others to help us thru the narrow passageways of life, yet relationships in and of themselves pose their own challenges.
The group member who talks too much during gatherings.
The group member who seems overly needy.
The member you are drawn toward to be closer friends, but who doesn't seem to want to have a conversation with you - in fact, seems to avoid you.
The member who seems to know the answer to every question and dilemma in the lives of those present. 'SHUT UP!' is what you're thinking. Come on. Admit it.
It's too easy for group bonds to dissolve, freeing us once again to step back into the fresh air of autonomous individualism. We always seem to be looking for that idyllic tribe that will ease some of the loneliness, give us greater fulfillment and restore valuable human contact.
Are you aware of both your impulse TOWARD community and an AVERSION to it at the same time? Yes. Join the crowd; but don't give up on it.
And be blessed.
1 comment:
I feel that familiar push and pull often. By nature, I am an introvert in many ways. I know it is very self-centered, but I tend to prefer my own company all too often. It sounds more prideful than it is intended, but I am ONE of the most interesting people I know...lol. So, when I seek a friendship, it is with someone who is equally, if not more, interesting. It's at that point, that I can depend too heavily on the relationship. Friendships like that are hard for me to find.
I have been in 3 small groups, so far. The first was highly dysfunctional and yes, all of the irritating qualities mentioned in your post were there. :) It taught me how very far I have to go to develop greater patience. The group I am in now is wonderful! Mature people who know how to give and take and be vulnerable.
All that said, I doubt I will ever become more attached to many peope at once...it is simply not who I am. I definitely need others, but I also am completely comfortable in my own skin. I do long for the church to be the family that I never truly knew while growing up. Sometimes, I find and sometimes not, but I still look for it.
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