Occasionally I have received an e-mail from someone who - very often unbeknownst to me - has been offended by me in some way or another. Typically, the e-mail from them begins in a restrained manner (though not always), but soon devolves into unfair allegations, comments easily read as veiled insults ... even personal attacks. Sometimes the tone has been curt, accusatory and occasionally it employed the use of the dreaded ALL CAPS -- which I'm told is the universal e-mail sign for yelling (though not always).
I will not try to hide the fact that sometimes I am hurt by these kinds of e-mails ... sometimes deeply. Most often the accusations are false (though not always) ... or there are motives assigned to me that weren't there ... if nothing else, it was conveyed with a lack of common courtesy.
Usually I spend several days pondering a response (though not always). Then I have spent considerable time crafting a point-by-point response refuting the grievances -- to which I also have added my own list of grievances (though not always).
A couple of times I've actually shown my e-mail response to a friend just to make sure I was 'in line' before I hit 'SEND.' The wisest response I ever got from a friend, after reading my intended response, was: "And why were you planning on e-mailing this person back rather than just talking to them in person?"
"Er ... um ... well ... I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts clearly and fairly spelled out -- and -- um ... writing down my thoughts just helps me articulate better -- and -- well ... I'm not that good on my feet -- and besides, they e-mailed me, so it seems only fair that I respond the same way."
All baloney. E-mail and other text-based communication are designed for efficiency and because of that reason, are severely handicapped. Intonation, body language, opportunities for mid-stream clarification are all stripped away despite our greatest efforts to communicate clearly. In fact, the chances of e-mail mis-communication in a conflict setting approach one hundred percent.
One person said, 'Using e-mail to mediate conflict is like baking a cake without a mixing bowl or an oven. The very ingredients that make reconciliation possible are missing.'
So, I have decided to respond more face-to-face these days (though not always). Usually it just works better (though not always).
This experience of e-conflict is growing more common. Actually a ton of time is spent bent over computer screens analyzing offending messages for verb tenses, parsing of words and leaps in logic.
Jesus was way ahead of His time on this. He said: "If your brother sins against you, go show him, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother." Maybe if Jesus were to update this teaching today, He might add a new emphasis: "If your brother sins against you, DON'T EMAIL HIM ABOUT IT (yelling 'mine'). Instead, go directly to him."
Let's lose the trend of throwing stones from a safe distance. Not only is 'anonymous intimacy' becoming popular in our digital age, so is 'distant hostility.'
The Gospel is fundamentally about reconciliation. The best news imaginable in our broken world is the promise of broken relationships being restored. So delete that e-mail you've been poring over for the past 48 hours and go find that person who offended you.
AND BE BLESSED (ALWAYS).
2 comments:
I believe this may very well be my very favorite post that is non-spiritual of yours. I have to say MEA CULPA on this one. I tend to write much more succintly than I speak ....and no, I am terrible on my feet. I tend to think of the best response 20 minutes after it's over. I am a big emailer, but I am not afraid to speak to someone in person, but I rarely have disagreements with anyone....except for one person...lol. And his busy schedule precludes speaking directly....SO, email it is! The great part about both of us is that we have forgiving hearts and don't carry a grudge, so we find a way to mend fences via email...and it works!
Eamil has it's benefits, too. You may not be able to be there with someone in person, but can still communicate and deepen a friendship
Bravo Pastor Kevin!
Email and Texting are fabulous tools! Speeds communication. Love them, use them, depend on them! But definitely not the way to handle conflict or correction.
Certainly not the way to deal with relationship challenges.
Something is lost in the e-waves and t-waves. Even the without the dreaded ALL CAPITALS, words can come across as much harsher than intended.
They are a great way to reach out and try to schedule a time to sit down for a cup of coffee and talk. Or coordinating a time to pick up the phone and converse.
If we're too busy to really try to fix...and not just complain about the challenge at hand, then we give up our right to be that upset.
Not part of the solution, automatically makes us part of the problem.
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your feelings.
Mary Rayniak
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