Joelene and I were privileged to speak at a Couples Retreat in Waupaca, WI this past weekend. Here is a brief download of our final session (see past three blogs):
The truth is, I'm mostly interested in things that interest ME. But hold on there. You're mostly interested in the things that interest YOU. So we're even. I’m not naturally into things that aren’t interesting to me … and you're not naturally into things that aren’t interesting to you. Follow? Meaning, left to myself, I gravitate with everything in me to my things – my interests – and if they don’t interest the person I’m closest to in life and in love with, we have a problem.
The key - according to Paul in Philippians 2 - is to very intentionally learn to put the other person's interests above your own -- to express interest in the things the person you want to stay in love with forever is interested in. Simple, right?
At some point, Joelene wanted a little dog. Me, not so much. So I put it off – I hoped her dream would fade – I never actually said we couldn’t have one, I just punted it away every time the conversation started up. I knew the things the dog would do would be things I wouldn’t want to have to clean up.
Or the garden … there wasn’t much in me that wanted a garden. I didn’t say she couldn’t grow a garden, I was just like, ‘For what?’ I knew if she planted a garden she would just grow things I didn’t want to eat.
So, I have a decision to make. Am I going to love ME – am I going to talk her out of that – am I going to ignore it and hope it goes away? If there’s a problem with it, "I'll be over here - it's your garden. I'll be over here reading the Bible - it's your dog."
So there is a decision to make. It’s not a complicated decision. The issue isn’t: 'Do I like gardening?' I know the answer to that already. The issue isn’t: 'Am I going to eat those veggies?' The issue is: Am I going to look to my own interests first? OR --- am I going to move her direction to discover what she's interested in and make that a priority?
That’s what you do when you want to stay engaged and in love forever -- not just put up with her interests – but become engaged in them.
How's that workin' out for ya?
And be blessed.
4 comments:
I'll get back you if I ever meet Mr. Right. What I can say is that my ex-husband did not take too much interest in the things that interested me. I found myself going alone to movies I wanted see, restaurants I wanted to eat at, shopping...I developed an independence that I liked. I am always amazed at the people who would rather miss something they enjoy for fear of going alone. I just bring along a good book and enjoy my own company.
Sometimes its hard to forgive when its an ongoing thing...and, there is no desire to change in another. but we can forgive...and can choose NOT to allow bitterness get in and destroy. Some people choose to bring bad habits or selfishness and baggage into 2, or 3 or 4 marriages. But, it still hurts 'love'. Loving first is always a good thing...
It's never too late to follow Jesus' way that leads to a brighter tomorrow. He created us for relationship. He will never leave or forsake you.
I have the best mate on the planet! He's into me and my stuff 110%. It drove me crazy when we were 1st married. Then we took the 5 love languages course. I found out why he was that way and it really helped me see him anew. I will never be as good as he is with this but I want to be and I try to be and so long as I keep trying then we have engagement.
PK, Chris and I were not able to come to Couples Retreat since we have an infant I am not willing to leave for that long yet! However, we had our own couple's retreat (plus1). We flew out to Colorado for 4 days and left the other 3 with my Mom. It was a wonderful time and we celebrated our 15th anniversary while there. On our last day we decided to go to Seven Falls. This is a hike up 224 stairs. Chris loves to hike...me, not so much. In the last 15 years I have hiked with him though. In the beginning it was because we were newlyweds and wanted to do everything together, and that's what he loved to do. Then after we had kids I did it so that my kids would love it and be able to do it as a family. Most of the time as I was trudging up a big hill I was wishing I was back at camp... reading a good book. So at Seven Falls we went up those 224 stairs. Then when you get to the top, there is another trail that leads to another part of the river and Midnight Falls. Chris let me make the decision of whether we were going on. Of course we are! I didn't just climb 224 stairs to not go all the way to the top! So we did, and on that hike I realized something. Maybe all these years I wasn't just doing it for kids or for Chris, maybe I came to love it too. God blessed me for loving my husband and kids. Now just remind me of THAT next time Chris takes me on a hike that involves actual repelling (yes he has!)
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